Changes

I spoke with an old friend yestarday over email. I love her dearly. She is one of those people in my life who make me think a little deeper. As I have gotten older I have tended to run from deep thoughts. Deep thinking seems to be a bit more painful these days. I shared with her about the past year and some of the things I've been through. It has been a very hard year. I am in awe of how far I have come. I got to thinking about how my life has changed since I got sick. I started thinking about how grateful I am for the quality of life I have now compared to 6 months ago. My day to day has changed greatly, I have more boundaries, I have to do a lot less than I used to, but perspective has given me a deep appreciation for all of this. By most standards I live a relatively normal life now. Most people would not know my restrictions now. I giggle when I remember sharing my circumstances with a good friend a few months ago. Honestly I was unprepared for the response I got. I am not angry with this person, she simply responded as most do.. horrified and unsure of what to say. I remember being a little shocked at the horrified look on her face. There was a look of terror, people hear words like nervous breakdown and think "crazy".... it is hard to explain and takes a good deal of time to understand what exactly happened to me. It is rare what happened to me, but basically my body decided to quit. Not my liver or my kidneys or my heart, but my ability to eat, I shook like I was having seizures, I threw up, My mind....well my mind kinda went on vacation! :) I have to be able to smile abou it because every day is a new day and tomorrow may hold the very same thing. I am praying it doesn't, but if it does I am willing to accept it now. I remember one day getting up from my chair in the living room and knowing I needed to go to the bathroom. I took about 5 steps and stopped and looked at my friend who was taking care of me and asked why I was standing in the living room. I couldn't hold a thought or think straight for a long time. I cried constantly, with a despair and fear I've never experienced before. I told God over and over again... please not this, I can't live like this. I never understood why anyone would commit suicide before... I know now. God gently held me and whispered gently "yes child, this...this is what you are going to go through now, but I am with you, I feel your pain, I love you, and you will survive this, and if you don't you will be with me". I've never thought I would die before, it is a very frightful thing to realize how very afraid you are to die. I know I will be with my Jesus, but I'm not ready. I am terrified of dying. I was even more afraid of living... living that way forever, being alone and unable to care for myself. Someone stayed with me 24/7 for the first 4 months. It was a process and I gradually, very slowly got bettter. As I said before I may never be my "old self" again, but I am closer than I was yestarday or the day before. Each day brings me a new understanding of healing. God has been more than faithful, even when I have not. And even though others may not understand what I have gone through (Honestly I don't understand it fully), I am ok with that, because God does. And not only does he understand he knows why! And in that I find peace and rest like I've never known before.