It has been quite a while since I have been on here. I sometimes wonder if anyone at all reads these. But honestly I do it more for myself than anyone else.
So much is the same in my life. I feel like I complain a lot. I am quite content with my life most days. When people ask how I am, how my health is, I honeslty don't want to lie, but then again I don't want to complain, so what do I say? If it's not one thing it's another? They don't know what's wrong with me? They are running tests, but don't have a clue? We got one thing lined out, now there is something else... ha, There is a song that I think about sometimes when I am wollowing in self pitty that talks about how you think that "she has been through her share"...I feel like that sometimes. But other times I remember how blessed I am that it isn't worse. I am sooo blessed. Some days even when I feel bad, tired or worn out, hurting or aching, I still feel "good", other days I wanna lay down and cry and feel sorry for myself. What a big baby I can be.
Well on to another subject. I have often prided myself on what a wondeful marriage I have. Well let's just say that after I stepped out from under the covering of my husbands authority...well Satan has found a bit of a foot hold and is playing with us. We still have a wonderful marriage by most standards, but we argue more than we ever did before. I hurt him so much. Mark isn't one to let things go. I keep thinking if he would just let it go, that we could move on, but honestly neither one of us is getting it all right. I think a lot about other people and how this is just a taste of what other people deal with their whole marriages. I don't know what I would do if we had a bad marriage. We have always been so happy. I believe in staying married even if you aren't happy, but I am getting a taste of what that might be like now, and I can't imagine what it would be like. I don't know if I could do it. My mom asked me the other day if I was happy. I said I was... most days.... I used to say yes all the time... some people can't say that at all. I'm afraid Mark can't even say most days. He is hurt, he feels betrayed, he is worn out and overworked. I keep telling him I will go to work and he can go back to school but he refuses. I just don't know what else to do. He told me after this was all over that he felt like every time I had told him how much I respected him had been a lie. I don't know how to show him that I do respect him, I always have, I screwed up. I realized you may all be thinking I had an affair or something it's nothing like that...:) I hid some things from him in our finances and it hurt him deeply. It didn't hurt us financially, but I wasn't doing some things he asked me to do and I didn't tell him about some other things. He had trusted me completely and I had taken that for granted. Anyway...I love my husband, I just don't know how else to show him how much I love and respect him.
I read a friend of mine's blog tonight and in it she talked about walking past the throne room of God so many times. I do that so much. I have been feeling the pressing hand of God on my heart. I do talk to him, but I am at such a loss for words and for my own feelings on things that I honestly don't know what to say. I don't spend much time with him. But he is gracious as always, he is sending me so many wonderful precious people to speak into my heart and my life. I am so taken care of. He is blessing me even through my relationship with my Daddy. They all came up and spent the weekend with us, it was great!!! Six people in this small house and it really wasn't bad at all.
Well I am tired, so I am going to go for now. I suppose I'll write again in another 4 or 5 months...hahhaha.. if anyone does read this... drop me a note so I know who you are. Thanks for stopping in to see what's going on in my world. God bless.
:)
